Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash

Depression represents itself in multiple different ways such as experiencing negative thoughts, hopelessness, thoughts of suicide, loss of appetite, irritability, messy room, and the lack of ability to leave the bed.

If you struggle with depression, you understand how getting out of bed may seem impossible sometimes. Because of this, we skip out on going to work, hanging with friends, eating, cleaning, you name it — it’s challenging. The only time I would leave my bed is if I needed to use the bathroom or to throw some type of food down my throat to stop the hunger. Unfortunately, I recently kept a cereal box next to my box to eat from so I didn’t have to walk to my kitchen. I know I am making it worse for myself.

In my personal opinion and experience, I feel that I have a hard time leaving my bed in the morning because of fear.

Let gets real — some people are just really mean and sometimes I am not emotionally stable enough to handle it. I’ve been mentally abused my whole life and after a while, it starts to change the structure of my brain. I have come to a point in my life where I am at work and I thank my guest on the phone for being nice to me. It is really sad that I have to “thank” them. We live in a world where people forget that the other person on the phone is human and have feelings. My job is the main thing that triggers my fear and I have no choice but to deal with it because I need to pay bills. I know people say to get another job, but because of these times, the company I work for is on a hiring freeze so I cant move around in the company, and working for another company is not an option for me for certain reasons.

The way I look at my bed is that it is my “safety zone”. No one can hurt me when I am asleep — except nightmares, but that’s a different story.

I deal with constant anxiety and it is truly painful. My crippling anxiety shuts me down completely. The only way for me to not feel the mental pain is if I were to sleep. We all know the other option, but that is not my option and it shouldn’t be yours.

Another reason that I completely shut down and sleep 20 hours a day is that I feel absolutely ashamed of myself. Some people don’t want to be around me when I get into those moods because they don’t want to feel that energy.

I don’t blame them.

I have been conditioned with that so when depression hits, I completely shut down, lock my door, put my phone on do not disturb, and just block out the world.

I live with a roommate and although she doesn’t judge me, I still feel ashamed.

I truly feel like a burden on others.

You probably are wondering why I am saying that I am “addicted” to my bed. Recently, I shut down for about 2 and a half days. I called into work, showered maybe once, and had one meal a day. When I showered and ate a meal, I couldn’t stop thinking about my bed. I just wanted to jump back in and just fall asleep. I would get so angry when I would wake up and would try to force myself back to sleep. I just didn’t want to deal with the world. I just wanted to self isolate and go M.I.A.

Truly I was scared.

I couldn’t stop sleeping. I know that oversleeping is horrible for your health, but I still did it. I was self-destructing.

I went out to my living room to try to do something other than sleep, but that never happened — I tried to sleep on my couch. I think my brain wanted to feel comfortable so it kept telling me that it was time to sleep. I was losing control of my life and it was terrifying because I need to go to work to make money to pay bills and survive, but my brain was holding me as a prisoner. I felt like I could not think straight — it just felt like a heavy weight on my head and there was no way out. All I can do was to wait for it to pass.

As I am writing this right now — I feel so relieved that my brain decided to work with me and allowed me to leave my bed. I’ve been trying my best to battle this depression, but it loves to creep up on me when it feels like it.

Writer for Invisible Illness, The Ascent, and Better Advice l Mental Health Vlogger on Youtube:LifeWithJustine IG: lifewithjustine

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